Sunday, August 10, 2008
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Beginning Writing Word Cloud
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Welcome to our site. The authors here started in an online writing class and now want to continue the journey. We post here to keep in touch, to give each other support with relevant critiques, and to encourage each other to never stop writing. Your feedback is always welcome.
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If you're from our online writing class and would like to join us here, please email me at jkcase_1999(at)yahoo.com (please put "BWU" in the subject line so I'll know it's not spam). We'd love to hear from you.
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9 comments:
Hi Charlene!!!! So glad you're going to be posting here!
Hi Charlene. This is Theresa from class. I go by Ann Garci here.
Glad your here!
I'm glad I'm here too. I'm working on a piece for our women's ministry newsleteter at our church and would appreciate some feedback. It's supposed to be around 250 words. I have it down to 289, which is okay, but there is one sentence I'm not happy with and can't seem to fix it. Any suggestions? Here it is:
The Power of a Name
There is power when we say the name of someone. Speak a name; people stop and listen. Mention a name and others jump to help you. I remember when we visited my aunt in Texas. She worked for an influential oil company and her boss sent us all to watch the Houston Astros play at the Astrodome. When we arrived the parking lot was crammed and I wondered where we were going to park, especially since my aunt was headed for a V.I.P. lot. She rolled down her window and flashed a company pass. To my amazement the attendant gave her a smile, raised the rope, and directed us to a place in front. The same thing happened wherever we went. That small card demanded service. We finally arrived in the box office for the executives. There we had a personal waiter to meet our every need. I marveled at the luxury and power one little card held. Man placed importance on a name of a company because their money had power to build the dome.
As Christians we have a name to use everyday. That name is the name of the Lord. His name protects us and we have a safe place to run to. His name gives us a place of refuge to cry out to Him and know He will listen. When we talk to Him, He will ease our distress, send us help, and give us support. The name of the Lord can heal the frustrations and pain in our lives. The name of the Lord can bring us joy in the morning and peace at night. The name of the Lord provides us with all we can ask for.
It's the sentence
Man placed importance on a name of a company because their money had power to build the dome.
Your help greatly appreciated,
I don't know, try this:
I marveled at the luxury and power one little card held and how man placed so much importance on this company name because of their money.
I don't know if you noticed Charlene but I didn't do very well in the last exercise, re-wording sentences. lol but I tried.
I do have a question, if you don't mind. You said we have a name, that name is the name of the Lord.
What is the name?
Thanks Ann. Your points are well taken. I too struggled with rewrites of the sentences. So I apent some time on my piece. See if this is better.
The Power of a Name
There is power when we say the name of someone. Speak a name; people stop and listen. Mention a name and others jump to help you. I remember when we visited my aunt in Texas. She worked for an influential oil company and her boss sent us all to watch the Houston Astros play at the Astrodome. When we arrived the parking lot was crammed and I wondered where we were going to park, especially since my aunt was headed for a V.I.P. lot. She rolled down her window and flashed a company pass. To my amazement the attendant gave her a smile, raised the rope, and directed us to a place in front. The same thing happened wherever we went. That small card demanded service. We finally arrived in the box office for the executives. There we had a personal waiter to meet our every need. I marveled at the luxury and power one little card held. Man placed importance on a company’s name because their money had power to build the dome.
As Christians we have a name to use everyday. That name is Jesus. His name protects us and we have a safe place to run to. His name gives us a place of refuge to cry out to Him and know He will listen. When we talk to Jesus, he will ease our distress, send us help, and give us support. His name heals the frustrations and pain in our lives. The name Jesus can bring us joy in the morning and peace at night. Call on Jesus and find his power in your life.
Awesome! I felt the power of that!
Really wonderful way to show what "we" feel is important versus what REALLY is important. I think this will be a wonderful piece for the newsletter as a reminder as to what true power is.
I think the problem with the sentence is a simple disagreement in number (oh dear, it's grammar!). If I remember correctly, "Man" would be considered singular because it's one group, so it should be "his" money. Or, you could say "Men" and then it would be "their" money.
Hi Ann, I wanted to let you know I made the edits to my Power of a Name piece and turned it in yesterday. It's a go! Rhonda, our women's ministry leader will put it in the newsletter in a couple of weeks. Thanks again for your help.
Hey jkc, I'm sorry I didn't include you until after I posted. I did change it to men and use their. Thanks! Hope your grant writing went okay. I wouldn't have any idea where to start on that.
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