A month ago I saw an ad for a short story contest. The short story was to be on the topic "Deception" max 2000 words. This was my first attempt at writing something other than my own rambling thoughts. Of course I didn't submit this into the contest, but would like to put it here for your critique. Please I am not easily offended, so your bad review is welcome. I would prefer honest bad feedback than nothing or worse a nice gloss over that will keep me writing badly.
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Its 3:50 pm, almost time for my daughter to get off of work. I lazily rise from bed and walk over to the vanity to begin the monotonous task of applying my makeup.
“I better change my clothes; I wouldn't want to be caught with my pajamas on when she walks through the door.” I thought to myself.
I had been considering all day on what I was going to write regarding the topic of deception, and as I sat in front of the mirror, I realized at that very moment I was perpetrating the very act of it. “How ironic”, I thought, as I applied my lipstick.
How far will I carry this out? Will I make up a story about my day? Will I expound on events that never happened? That was never my intention.
The familiar sound of rain softly beats against the windows and slowly rises in intensity. The now heavy rain beating upon my roof was somewhat symbolic of the monsoon of guilt filling my heart. A mother's instincts begin to take over; I begin to worry about her picking up my grandson in this weather. I should have at the very least picked him up for her. I call her cell phone to see if she was caught in this downpour, but to my relief, she was just leaving work. We talk briefly, and I mention that I made fresh pinto beans for dinner. Immediately, I begin the dubious task of forming my alibi.
“Beans, they take hours to cook!” I thought to myself. Of all the ways to construct my tale, to be rooted into a story by the simple line: “When I got home, I made beans”. Why did I just say that? I shook my head, disappointed in myself.
It all began innocently enough; I didn't lie when I told her I had a training session I wanted to participate in. I wasn't trying to get out of watching my grandson today, so why the deception? I woke up tired, I was awake until nearly 3:00 a.m., obsessed with a writing project that demanded my attention. I don't do very well without a full night's sleep and knew I would regret it come morning. I woke up on time with every intention of attending the training session, even though I felt I was suffering from a hangover. In retrospect, I guess I knew deep down I wasn't going, but I didn't make the final decision until they had left the house.
Why does it matter so much, that she had to wake up a little earlier this morning, get her 3 year old son up and dressed and drive him approximately 20 miles to his great grandparent's house? Most parents have to drive their children to daycare every day. Truthfully, I concede, it does matter; I love that I am in a place in my life that I can make her life easier. She has a full time job, goes to school and still manages to do a splendid job raising my grandson; however, sometimes her attitude is more out of expectancy than of appreciation. For instance, when I told her she had to make arrangements for him on these particular days the look on her face alone made me feel guilty. So, now I battled with telling her that I decided to just stay at home today.
Why should I say anything at all? My initial intent was to look like I hadn't been home all day. Nothing needed to be said to the contrary, that's not really lying, is it? Even so, that one statement earlier dug me even deeper. She walks through the door,
“How was your day?”
“Good” I say, thinking, "just don't ask specifics and everything will be fine."
If she does ask more questions, will I continue to deceive her, or will I simply tell her the truth? Did she catch my earlier statement about getting home?
This is really not looking good for me.
"Ah the webs we weave", my mother used to say. As a child I didn't really understand what that meant, but if you have ever tried to pull down a spider web you know it sticks to your fingers and can get entangled in your hair. I guess that's what mother meant; deception is like a web, you have to pull it down to get to the truth but no matter how well you believe you've removed it the remnant of it will be left behind.
Could I lose her trust? What kind of message am I sending her? Even if she could never find out, I don't like how this is making me feel.
I preach honesty all of the time. Growing up in our home, my girls knew that the lie was always worse than the crime. Then I think, would I have been so convicted had I not had this writing assignment on my mind? What does that say about me? It might be time to take a personal inventory.
What drives us to tell a lie? Different things I presume, but mine was simple; I did not want to deal with the possibility that my daughter might have a bad attitude. I would have been right, and she would have been wrong, but now I have spent most of today feeling guilty, as if I was stealing this day.
If she does say something now, who am I to lecture? Reminding myself that it was me who made sure she understood the weight of deception. Besides, the moment of truth is inevitable, my daughter reads everything I write, she is my hardest critic and plays the role of my editor, so I guess the gig is up as they say. I can only hope she likes the way I put it on paper.
--The End--
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5 comments:
I really enjoyed this! I like that, even as a non-fiction piece, there's still a story with characters if that makes any sense (that's why I keep saying "mother" and "daughter" even though I know the narrator is you). We tend to think of "lies" as something that are always malicious, but here they're protecting a secret the mother's not able to share. But, you show that, even a lie used to protect something precious to the mother and without the intent of hurting someone else, still produces guilt whether the guilt is justified or not. It just shows how complicated human emotions are and how our life experience and relationships color everything thing we do or say, whether we realize it or not.
I loved the sentence about applying the make-up..."monotonous" really painted such a vivid picture in my mind of how this activity has been done so many times, it's almost lost meaning.
Thank you for your kind words. I had seen an ad for a short story on deception and had been thinking about writing something on that for about a week, and as I was applying my makeup it occured to me that I was attempting to deceive my daughter. At that moment I put on my lipstick. I actully wrote it as it was playing out. Thats what makes it special to me. I would like for it to be worth reading for someone else, but I don't know what's wrong with it. So any advice is welcome.
I didn't know if this would be classified as a non-fiction piece or not, jkc when I say I am a beginner I mean that in all sense of the word. Thanks again for taking the time to read it.
I think it definitely classifies as a non-fiction....I just like that it could be fiction with the way you present yourself and your daughter's situation.
I think the only thing I had an issue with is I got a little lost in the last two paragraphs due to their length. I think there are enough new thoughts in each one for new paragraphs ("It all started innocently enough..." is one example).
Again, I just really love how you presented "deception" here...I think I tend to think of the word as this incredibly negative, grandiose scheme and I like how you showed it can be something as small as just needing to tell someone a little white lie to get time for your writing.
jkc your awesome! Thank You! Let me work on fixing that.
Wow, what a great revision. The story flows really nicely now and I had a much easier time reading it with the new paragraphs. The new paragraphs breaks seemed really natural to me. Again, I just really like how you approached the theme of "deception" with this one.
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