Frustrated and in Tears

I planned to take GU’s torch challenge. But I ended up with a challenge of my own. As you more or less know I was going to a Women’s Retreat last weekend. Let me tell you what happened and the week I have endured. Sorry if this gets a little long and its unedited for the most part.
I work as a caregiver and absolutely love it. I have worked for the same company for 23 years this November. I have one handicapped client and her family at present. I love working for them. It keeps me very busy. She is in a wheelchair, her partner is mobile except he needs crutches sometimes and has back and balance problems. They have his two sons and a little girl between them that makes up their family. I have worked 2 ½ years for her and the family is like part of my own.

Ten minutes before I’m to leave on retreat, I stood sorting through my mail. A letter from my employer was in there as well as a letter from my union. I opened one letter and stared in shocked silence at the words, “It is with regret that the executive board has decided to close the homecare division of our agency due to budget cutbacks. The department will close December 31, st ” I tried to make sense of the words, but my world all of a sudden tilted at a funny angle on its axis. Then I whisked away on our church van to spend the weekend thinking, wondering, and trying to cope. Alternately I cried and thought and got angry at the whole stupid thing.
On Monday I talked with my supervisor to learn that the company wanted to do one of two things. One would send us to different agencies where we loose our seniority and our pay. The other choice is to remain with the company and take a $1.50 - $2.00/ hr. pay cut to save the program. Not only does this jeopardize my family but it makes me feel my skills aren’t worth much.

Then there is the issue of our clients. The hope upper management wants us to believe is that all of us would transfer to a different agency and continue working with our same clients. But my shop steward does not seem to be so sure that other agencies want an influx of new employees when they have their own staff.
As far as my direct client, here is where it hurts the most. She has a team that oversees her care. The team does not want to wait until December before they have a plan. They don’t seem to want to wait a few weeks while this all gets worked out. On Thursday I was asked to leave early so they could all have a teleconference. Then today her team leader wanted to talk, but wanted my client to call back after I left. Personally this aggravates me and I feel unimportant and used. No one will talk to me and let me know what they’re thinking. My client just keeps saying they are looking out for her best interest and she does what they tell her to.
I wonder when I will be important to someone and someone will be concerned about what happens to me. My family is in full support of whatever happens and what I decide, but I guess its my employees and the clients I work with that cause the most suffering. I pour my life blood into my work. I always get close to them and their families. I know I shouldn’t, but It is who I am. I can not do any less than to cut my own throat. My husband tells me this caring is what makes me me, and makes me such a great caregiver.

I’ve had a week to think about all of this. I oscillate like a fan, between hope and despair. I toss around ideas and throw them away again. I cry and get angry and grieve and have hope. I feel like I am on a giant roller coaster of emotion and its only by a strong determination that I do not fall off. I feel so sick at heart and wonder where its all going to end. I try to keep busy and not think about it, but that’s hard when I don’t know any answers. This is why I asked GU to pray. I sure could use it. Thanks for listening, or reading in your case.